The Protector (1985) - US Version

Today's cinematic treasure is the well loved and highly cherished 1985 gem The Protector (1985). That was sarcasm by the way in case you couldn't tell.

This poster is way cooler than the movie

This movie was boring to the point of being painful to watch. Being stupid is fine, but when a movie is boring, that's the ultimate cinematic sin in my opinion.  Even worse it's a paint by the numbers 80's action flick that squanders its most valuable asset. Big John Studd!

80's wrestlers make everything better

Seeing Big John Studd was a highlight of this rather dreary and seemingly endless movie. Sadly Studd gets killed off early in a sequence that is barely connected to the rest of the movie. But before we get to the pointless bar shootout, we have to see the punks of New York.

Typical Bronx residents, as seen here.

If nothing else, I learned that New York is full of punks like this who rip off semi's that are stupid enough to stop at red lights in the Bronx. But punks don't work alone, they need help from their friends.

You don't get more badass than little people.

Doesn't this just scream 80's? You would think a movie with Jackie Chan, Big John Studd, punks and little people would be awesome but nooooo, they squandered a golden opportunity here to make the most outrageous movie ever.

But this sequence does nothing except establish the bleak city that our characters inhabit for only about 15 minutes of the movie. "Welcome to New York" Says Billy Wong (Jackie Chan) to a stunned Texas truck driver who's shipment was ripped off. Then from there we are taken to a bar Jackie and his partner are drinking after work.

 This is where Big John Studd comes in, he's part of a gang that decided robbing a bar is a profitable venture. Anyway Jackie Chan ends up killing most of the gang except for the leader who kills his Jackie's partner. So of course this leads to a long and boring chase that is made to establish Jackie as a hot shot cop who risks life and limb to catch the bad guy who is to stupid to move out of the way of an oncoming speedboat. One explosion later and then we have Jackie's captain yelling at him for destroying HALF THE CITY!!! I should point out that the explosion took place in the middle of the harbor and nothing else but the two boats were destroyed.

King of exaggeration 

Anyway after getting chewed out by the captain who says the mayor is demanding Jackie's badge but instead the Captain is demoting Jackie to crowd control, Jackie walks out and down the stairs followed by one of the creepiest acting cops ever, who leads the station in a round of applause for Jackie's actions. Then there is a funeral for Jackie's partner. finally 15 minutes into the movie we get the first scene that sets up the actual plot of the movie.

We are at public gala where Jackie and his new partner are working crowd control. I am not sure why the Captain wanted some he considered volatile working crowd control, that seems counter intuitive to me. Anyway it's here that we are introduced to Jackie's new partner Danny Aiello. 

He never goes anywhere without an uzi.

We get introduced to the actual plot of the movie when a mobsters daughter gets kidnapped and Jackie and Danny are sent to Hong Kong to retrieve her. This is where they messed up big time, they should of reversed it, and sent Jackie and perhaps an English cop (just imagine, Richard Attenborough as Jackie's partner) to America to find the girl who was kidnapped from Hong Kong.

Needless to say a series of highly predictable events occur in their quest to find the girl, allies killed, ambushes in Hong Kong massage parlors, the head of the Hong Kong police is actually in cahoots with the lead bad guy who sounds like Bagheera from then Jungle Book and then there are action scenes that are so obviously paint by the number that they are deadly boring to watch. Of course Danny gets captured after taking one shot to the shoulder that makes him faint. 

This movie is so uninspired that it drags for what seems to be an eternity. The director clearly had no idea what he was doing and was not very willing to collaborate creatively with Jackie and this shows in the action sequences. Jackie looks either bored or frustrated, sometimes both. 

Bill Wallace

The final showdown with Bill Wallace is very bad and boring which given the pedigree of the both Jackie and Bill is a cinematic sin. Apparently Jackie Chan though so too, so he reshot parts of the movie including the final fight with Bill Wallace and released his version for international audiences. Sadly only the US version is available in North America. 

This is a movie to be avoided, unless you are a completest and absolutely have to see everything Jackie Chan. But if you are looking for early US productions of Jackie Chan, stick with Battle Creek Brawl (AKA: The Big Brawl) it's far more entertaining and it's got an amusing performance by Mako. 

Keep an eye out for Mike Starr (of Dumb and Dumber fame) as one of the goons who try to rob the bar.

I rate this a 0 out of 5. Stay far away and check out Jackie's Police Story which was a direct response to this movie.